我母亲憎恨所有女性

My mother hated all women

The biggest taboo is the estrangement between a mother and her daughter. I didn't see my mother for more than 20 years. She was beautiful and intelligent but hated all women. She saw them as a threat. This included her mother, her sisters, her son's girlfriends and wife. And of course, her own daughter.

母女之间存在隔阂是最大的禁忌。我跟我母亲没任何来往长达20多年。她美丽聪明，但憎恨所有女性，她觉得女人对她有威胁。这包括她母亲、她姐妹、她儿子的女友和妻子，当然，也包括她的亲生女儿。

Isabel Jacobs was born in 1918. Her parents were Romanian Jews fleeing anti-Semitism. They came to Manchester around 1911. Isabel was their first daughter. Eighteen months later a second girl, Edith, arrived, then came Pearl. The struggle to retain maximum attention and put down her sisters dominated her childhood.

伊莎贝尔雅各布斯出生于1918年，她父母是罗马尼亚犹太人，因反犹太主义于1911年逃离国家来到曼彻斯特。他们生下头胎女儿伊莎贝尔，18个月后产下二女儿伊迪丝，然后诞下珀尔。维持得到最大可能的关注并不理会她妹妹的抗争主导着她的童年生活。

On paper, her childhood looked brilliant. She shone at Manchester High School for Girls. But, in prewar provincial England, poor Jewish girls rarely went to university. Her sole ambition was to be a doctor's wife. Cecil Fridjohn, my father, came from an impecunious Irish Jewish family. My parents married in 1942. After the war, they moved to Blackpool, where my father, a strong socialist, benefited from the new NHS.

从照片上看，她的童年很风光，在曼彻斯特女子高中也很耀眼。但战前英格兰省的贫穷犹太人女孩很少上大学。她唯一的奢望是成为一个医生的妻子。塞西尔菲利约翰，我的父亲，来自无犯罪记录的爱尔兰犹太家庭。我父母于1942年结婚。战争结束后，他们迁移到布莱克浦，在那，我父亲（一位坚定的社会主义分子）从新国民保健服务政策得益良多。

I hardly knew my mother. She sent me as a baby and toddler to her parents in Manchester. Growing up, I believed I'd done something wrong and was separated from her as punishment. I knew my mother didn't love me. Why else would she send me away? I was told she was ill. Most of her life was spent in bed. And her behaviour to all of us alternated between seductive charm and sudden hostility. She believed that she was a victim and wanted us all to be her servants.

我很难了解我母亲。当我还是阑珊学步的孩儿时，他就把我托养给她在曼彻斯特的父母。成长期间，我一直认为我做了些错事使她把我送走作为惩罚。我知道我妈妈不爱我。否则她为什么把我送走呢？有人告诉我她身体不好，她大部分时间都在床上消磨时光。她的行为在我们所有人看来总是交织着诱人的魅力和突然的敌意。她认为她受了不少苦，希望我们大家都是她的仆人。

I was a “good daughter” if I set her hair, and massaged her back every morning. She would keep me off primary school “to help in the house”. It was only when an inspector appeared, asking why I was absent, that I realised something was wrong.

我只有在给她整理头发或按摩后背的每个清晨才是一个“好女儿”。她会把我留“在家中帮忙”而不让我上小学，直到有一天督察发现并询问为何缺席时，我才意识到有些不对头。

We never ate as a family. Everyone commented on how thin my mother was and her semi-anorexia continued into old age. Despite her tiny body, she had a certain sexuality, flirting outrageously with my brother, David. At 18 he was tickling his 45-year-old mother while she, semi-naked, could roll on the floor squealing in delight. When she was 86, she inexplicably sent me a photograph in which she was semi-naked posing for David in stockings and suspender belt.

我们从未有过像样的家庭式就餐。大家都在谈论我母亲的瘦骨如材，她的厌食症一直持续到晚年。尽管她个子小，但她曾有过某种性倾向，她竟然与我的大卫兄弟调情。他18岁那年给他45岁的母亲瘙痒，而她竟半裸着在地板上打滚，欣喜地享受。她在86岁那年莫名其妙地寄给我一张照片，照片中半裸、长筒袜、吊带，她为大卫摆弄着姿势。

I had to leave her to discover that there were women out there who could show me alternatives.

我最后不得不离开她，想找找其他能给我不同榜样的妇女。

My grandmother told me that “education is never too heavy to carry around” and my mother's hated younger sister, Edith Newman, who had distinguished herself in the Second World War as the country's first woman munitions officer, encouraged me to go to university. The women my mother denigrated were the ones urging me towards independence. Now I see that, unlike her, they were my positive models.

我祖母对我说过，“教育从来都不会过头”，我母亲恨之入骨的胞妹伊迪丝纽曼也鼓励我去上大学，她在二次世界大战中被尊崇为该国的第一位女弹药员。我母亲所诋毁的女士们都敦促我走向独立。现在我明白了，她们不像她，她们是我积极人生的榜样。

Defying my parents, who opposed me going to university, I read English at London University in my mid-twenties. Study offered me entry to new worlds far from the stifling atmosphere of my mother's emotional blackmail. This led to my becoming an actor, a theatre director and, eventually, a playwright.

无视我父母反对我上大学的意见，我在二十多岁时到伦敦大学学英语专业。学习将我领进了全新的世界，远离了我妈妈那令人窒息的情绪化氛围，由此我也走上了演员、导演并最终成为一名剧作家之路。

Because of her, the idea of becoming a mother horrified me. Fear of repeating her patterns and of being the miserable woman imprisoned in the house was paramount. Being child-free is a decision I have never regretted. I married my French husband Alain in my early forties. Older than me, he had grown-up children who welcomed me as a friend.

因为她，我一直害怕成为母亲，害怕重复她的模式，害怕变成被囚禁的悲惨女子。对不生孩子这一决定，我从不感到遗憾。 我与我的法国丈夫阿兰结婚时已四十几岁了。他年纪比我大，其子女也已成年，待我像朋友。

Of course I doubted my own decision and missed having a strong bond with my mother all my life, but when I last saw her at my father's funeral in 2001, I realised that my decision to move away had been a life-saver.

当然，我也怀疑过我自己的决定，也很想能终身与母亲紧密相连，但是，当我最后在我父亲2001年的葬礼看到她时，我意识到我搬离的决定拯救了我的一生。

She arrived 45 minutes late. We delayed the service for as long as the rabbi allowed and then, just as I was giving the funeral address to honour my father, an 83-year-old woman appeared. Her face was powdered white. She was stick-thin, in tight, black leggings, a short black leather jacket and a beret over her long black hair. The few mourners looked at her teenage street clothes with amazement. It had always been difficult explaining my relationship with my mother to my husband. When he saw her then for the first time he understood everything.

她迟到了45分钟。我们在条件许可下尽量拖延着服务时间，然后，正当我刚要给父亲葬礼致词时，这位83岁的女人出现了。她脸上扑着白粉，瘦得像根竹竿，扁扁的，着黑丝袜，黑色皮夹克短上衣，芭蕾帽下是她那长长的黑头发。为数不多的悼念者看她穿着十几岁的街边服装惊呆了。我一直很难向我丈夫解释我们母女之间的关系，看到她后，虽是第一次，他明白了一切。

Isabel Fridjohn died at 86. My brother did not tell me of her death until he spontaneously invited himself to dinner and announced that he had had our mother cremated that morning. I felt a tornado of fury that he had denied me the right to see her at the end and realised that he wanted to be the solitary mourner at his mother's passing.

伊莎贝尔菲利约翰寿终于86岁高龄 。我弟弟没告诉我她逝世的消息，直到有一次他不邀自请地来吃晚饭时才宣布那天上午他已将我们的母亲火化。我觉得像刮起一阵龙卷风似地愤怒，他剥夺了我给她送终的权利，我知道，他希望自己是他母亲离世时的唯一悼念者。

She had succeeded in dividing her children, even after her death. Now, as I think of such a beautiful woman, I still wonder why she allowed jealousy and destruction to shatter what could have been a wonderful life.

她已成功地分化了她的骨肉，甚至死后。现在，每当我想起如此美丽的女人时，我依然不知道她为什么能让嫉妒和破坏毁掉原本可以一直很美好的生活。